I Fell In Love

This was my first draft of a very unoriginal but uniquely me type poem... lets just see what you think...







I fell in love today; it was the first time in forever I felt happy
He is someone that I’ve know for years. I watched him grow into himself.
How he became into his own individuality, how he found his own style.

Today, with his curly nappy hair all the way down to his large shapely feet.
His arched back, and the way he walks through the halls. Proud of his masculine features. Completely aware of how they shape his face.

I’ve seen him grieve for someone he has lost, and hold those who simply are lost. I’ve felt the heat radiate from his body and permeate the skin of those close to him.

His eyes... lord I fell in love with those eyes. And his ears not because they seem to fit him perfectly, because they always would listen when nobody else would...

I fell in love this morning when his eyes were reflected... I fell in love with me.


Alright im think of a major expansion... and some more details
What do you think????

Strip Me...

I think the world is full of zanies and fools... but that what makes it the best place to be... the point of this late night post is that I’ve recently dove into Natasha Beddingfield album and just like most of her music it’s about coming into your own self and have a very unique self identify......
Especially her song Strip Me... it’s all about spending your life to surround yourself with things that you don’t need... and how you can take everything from a person but their identity that one thing in their heart that makes them uniquely yours will never leave them... "even if I’m only one voice in a million you aint taking that from me"... that’s a powerful and strong statement... I am only one voice in a million but that voice means more to me than alot of things in my life... So go ahead strip me down take it all because even though I don’t completely understand it yet... that thing that makes me completely and utterly me... my voice will always remain... I Wonder What Would Happen If People Realized That Being One Voice In A Million Matters???

Sometimes You Cant See Tears On The Silver Screen

Dear faithful blog readers (if there are any) it’s been about eight days since my last post... I think that deserves a complement, I’m officially getting better about this. Or it could just mean that this month has been and emotional rollercoaster and at the sake of burdening others with my problems I just write them here with the secret hope that people will read them... okay enough with the fake drama and to what’s really on my mind...

I’ve officially/unofficially done with this year all my major stuff is out of the way so today on this most scared study day, I went on a little movie binge. One sappy gay movie that was set in the 80's... one amazingly tragic independent film... and finally a mixture of the two... One of them saw the world through rose colored glasses, very minor... very high school... the second choose only really to show the pain and anguish that people my age have to go through you know the worst case senior type stuff... And the thing is that I’m a huge fan of indie movies especially ones that are true to life... sometimes you don’t want to be lied to and sometimes you really just wanna see how hard the worlds going to be and watch people struggle through it and find joy in the small things. Because to tell you the true the small things is really all we have sometimes. A phone call, a favorite song, that last cigarette that keeps you from kill you entire class. The small things... but today I think I think I found a movie that was a pretty perfect middle ground... and let me preface the next several statement by saying I’m tired and run down because of this week, so you can’t hold me accountable for this later...


Anyway I watched the movie Latter Days and it really was pretty amazing it had the happy go lucky element to it but most of all it showed that even after all the shit we go through in life, after we moved on from all the pain and heart break that sometimes good things do come back in to our lives. I’m mean it’s still very naive to wish for a happy ending and do nothing to make it a reality. That just doesn’t happen, but I think that someday when you take a breath and think you realize that this may have to be your happy ending if only for a little while.... Raise Your Fucking Glass and toast to today and whatever was a part of it that made you happy, because tomorrow may never come... And I’m not saying that things don’t Get Better... because they do but to get to tomorrow you still got to find something happy in today.... Do I Live A Chapter Of My Fairytale Everyday

Waiting To Exhale...

I know this seems to be a reoccurring theme on this blog but at this point in my life I’m really just waiting to exhale release myself for worries from the fear of being out in this world alone... (dramatic I know)... I’m starting to trust people within things and part of my inner self that others have only guessed were there... I’m really ready to have for lack a of better phrase a Winehouse moment, something she would only be able to sing about...
..... The thing is I thought that I found that person and I couldn’t even say their name without smiling simply cause this person just made me happy... and to tell the truth there is nothing wrong with my life but this person made me feel something that I haven’t felt in such a longtime happy truly and I haven’t felt that way in I can’t really remember how long.... The problem is that I got all worked up and went to this person’s house only to be confronted with a dark house and driveway... I was standing in the cold like a damn fool waiting for this person to answer the phone, the door, a text... the Mad Black woman came out and I was like you have exactly 30 seconds to answer the door or I’m leaving... so left and stepped away pissed like you've never seen before... I get several phone calls and one conversation later apologies and promises... but the thing is a man can’t live on promises alone, but the hopeless romantic in me tells me they will come through and make my dreams come true... the realist in me is about to move on to the next one... Why Do We Really Think People Can Change???

Its Christmas... But Not Really

So well its Christmas time in the city and well across the world (???), but the truth of the matter is that it’s not really that time of the year yet... we just finished Thanksgiving and the thing is that people... at least from my perspective are not ready for the Christmas season...
.... If you leave out the planning for family and friends and the large ridiculous amount of retail consumerism that people seem like they have to complete before this season comes... and you remove the lights and decorations all over 5th Ave... I think that people aren’t in the mood or mindset yet for Christmas... the giving the extra amounts of politeness that people seem to share during this season... I just don’t know where it is this year. Cause I really miss it and granted its only the first week in December, but people are already decorating and buying gifts so hopefully the spirit is right around the corner... please please please let it be.............. In Our World Is It Possible For Christmas To Come Without Ribbons Or Bows???

Death And Resurrection

So life has been just as crazy as ever things are rolling along money is of course tight... i think most of my friends have abandoned me for greener pastures but hey people say if you really love someting you have to let it go, anf if it comes back then you really know that it was meant to be :)
Though the point of my little post today is the current campaigns to gain money for HIV/AIDS research and help programs. Several "stars" including the luv of my life and future wifey Alicia Keys have started "dying" digitally. This simply meaning that they won't post facebook, blog, and twitter updates until their goal of goal is reached as far as monetary collection.
The thought I’m and pretty sure the motive behind it is beautiful honest and true... I just think that it’s really sad that you have to remove something that is really a blessing to us (digital media) to drum up a strong enough effort to support a cause that should never be short of funding... These stars are really blackmailing the mass populace in an attempt to help actual needed people within our own country and abroad.







I guess the Alchemist really had it right, everything in life is equivalent exchange... you really cant get something form nothing...
Will We Ever Be Able To Give Freely From Our Own Selfs... Without Motive Otherwise???

They Just Wanna Be Held

My life has been pretty normal recently... it’s that time of year when my money runs low and my spirit is lifted by my friends and family... you know the leaves have changed and the weather can’t make up its mind between winter, fall, and ridiculous...
... So of course between my friends giving me energy shots my mind tends to wonder about life and my status within the world. So what I’ve come to realize is that I’m really a little lonely... I’m not sure why but have you ever gotten the feeling that you could be surrounded by the best friends in the world and still feel very much alone in the world... I’ve come to the realization that I just wanna be held... Or hold someone, which if you read this blog enough or even know me that am not too far out of character...

...But for some reason this time I really mean it... I’ve had love come and go throughout my entire life... the thing is I’m really ready for it to stick and stay... it’s one thing to have and know that you are some kinda wonderful... but to share that and receive it from somebody is a completely different kinda something...
I’ll get through this I guess that a little sex will help and you know I’ll get by with little help from my friends... Let me think about how to say this so I can make my Sociology teacher proud... Maybe I just need some good old fashion Homosocial interaction... in all reality that might quell this urge to settle down all of a sudden. Like I said earlier it might just be the weather... I’ve always thought that winter was a season for shacking up so to speak... and I mean no ill will to people who think they are in love and happy... but come the warm summer sun and shedding of the winter coats and half of you will break up....
Am I really bitter? Or Are These Feelings An Inevitability of Life??

Take Another Little Piece of My Heart...

It been a long time since I’ve written on this and a lot has happened both good and bad to me. So this is just the most recent of a few retro posts that I’m going to be needing to write... This came to my mind recently about how I feel pretty torn apart over the recent events in our country and my whole personal life...Each thing seems to be taking a piece of my heart with it...

.... The first and seemingly most pressing thing is the sudden loss of life within the community. People cross our country seem to have reached their breaking point and can’t seem to stand the life they are within. The thing that really hurts my heart is that it’s something that people could address and change. People are dying because they are gay and feel that no one in the world understand or cares for the person they are... and what makes this even worst is that the people dying are babies... teenagers barely coming into their own self identities... I want to change their minds I want them to listen to what I have to say because just like my favorite Radio personality use to say "If no one told you they love you today... you better believe I do".....
........ The second piece of me that I feel is slipping away from me is that... well I'm getting so ready to be selfish in my life. I think that I try extremely hard to make sure that the people around me are happy, that I forget my own needs. And even to the point where I will significantly hinder my own happiness for someone else... I like doing things for other people but I think at this level in my life I need some kind of reciprocity or I’m going to drive myself into the ground... I mean I’m always going to be there for you a phone call, text, or email away from helping you but I don’t know I can shell out the money anymore to support what you need until I can get myself back to a stable position.. Because without even being selfish if I fall apart I won’t be a help to any of my friends... And I think without some kind of selfishness I think I might loss my true friends and develop toxic relationships with leeches...
...... The final thing pulling at my heart is my writing... I legitimately think that I’m ready to start writing again... things keep coming to me in class, on busses and trains, and at work I think it’s time to put pen to paper and tell another story. I've even seriously considered starting a Tumblr just for my writing... If I do you guys will be the first people to know... Like I said before this is the first of many post about the last couple of weeks things have been crazy... emotionally, financially, and maybe on some deeper level spiritual... Why Is It That You Never Question Your Heart's Strength Until You Need It The Most?

There Is Always An Ambulance In The Melody

I was recently back home in DC. . . and me and one of my best friends were haveing some fun times on his rooftop... things were progressing and we were listening to music and drinking. He got really excited and started to play me al kinds of music that he though that i was going to like...

So was getting really into the music it was one of those times when you feel like the melody was going through you and you can feel all the crescendo and the triplets at the ends of bars... But then i noticed something was off and i asked him to pause the music... I was hearing an ambulance, fire truck, police car... something with a very distinct siren. . . so i asked him to put the music back on, but since we were in a major metropolitan city sirens continued to pass... An ambulance in the melody...
Is there always going to be a ambulance in the Melody... and is melody that much sweeter without it???

Overload & BREAKDOWN

Have you ever felt that the world which you constructed for yourself was not the one that you wanted... That your world is kinda of a big compromise for the reality you live in... Its enough to bring a brother to tears and please dont get me wrong things in my life has consistently fallen apart and rebuild itself into something bigger and better, but damn is what im doing really what i want to do for the rest of my life. I can deal with monotony but only for so long i need to do something that when i get up in the morning ill be happy and ecstatic to go do...

... the real problem is that what i want to do might be alitte unrealistic.. you see my entire life people have told me that i was talented but then the people who matter as in judges and auditions panels just dont seem to share the same idea. Im guessing this last audition really kinda took me for more of loop than i thought it did.... the funny part is that as a write this "Thank You" by Mary Mary just came on my ipod shuffle i guess the universe is trying to tell me something...
.... Whatever im here to be Stronger and take each day as an adventure... Why Cant People (Myself Included) Make Life Soo Much Simpler???...

When The Past Comes Back To You...

Okay so this is going to be intentionally vague and very very confusing but i think, you the reader if there are any readers will understand the meaning behind this... Recently after a long and crazy night of parting around the city i return home to take care of a black out drunk sophomore in my house...hahaha ridic... anyway once we get him and his sober roommate successfully in a cab. I decide to chill out and send some late night luv via texts...
... And without the intention of getting any responses i ready myself to chill out and sleep. The phone starts to ring and its someone we will refer to only as "Sweetheart." Anyway Sweetheart was someone that i chilled with and a few occasions tried to be very intimate with but the timing never seemed to work out right. So Sweetheart calls me and we talk for at least 30 mins about what happened between us and why things never worked out, which i know was not because of lack of mutual feeling. Anyway we planned things out and lets just say this fall has alot more potential now... Im not looking for love with Sweetheart just some mutual attraction and some physical intimacy, which is just a fancy way of say hot passionate sex...
...Im Happy things worked out between us, but its just crazy like i really needed another person to dive into my life and shake this up alittle... Even if we really want to move on...Will our past always define our future???

Same Old Same

Today was alot like yesterday same old same... work was amazingly interesting though... there are a bunch of new graduate students who are now seeing clients for the first time and the only comparable example i can give to you is its like first grade students starting a new school year... they are slowly picking up the rules testing the waters to see what they can and can not do... and getting scolded by teachers ( well in a matter of speaking )
But there was this one guy that almost let a client leave with so confidential information and the following scenes was almost as if it were out of a movie... one of the staff screamed "no" his face dropped and he said "no" and then ran after the client to retrieve the paper work.... But his faced was so cute and sweet... it laked like a little kids... it was almost like you wanted to hold him after and be like its okay you'll get it right next time...
... On another random note a friend of mine told me that i should come see them for therapy... nothing official just talking in the counseling center off my school. I dont know if they just wanted me to come because the more people there the better there funding would look for the next year or if because she is like a 4th year grad student in this field she sees something that i dont... I never thought that therapy would really work for me i can vent my problems to my friends and if i need a third opinion i always have somebody... I also could really never tell her about any problems that i think i have because... its always been easier to tell you stories to complete strangers... Why is it we hide from our friends???

Little Monsters

Hey world im back its a new year... i feel like i havent changed that much just my ideals and goals have been expanded just that much more... But the topic of today is Little Monsters of my life. People as usual have begun to piss me off again... especially over this whole Lady Gaga thing... this girl comes out with nothing little of an explosion and people were falling at her feet...
... now everyone and their respective mothers have begun to turn against her and say that she is crazy, her music is sub par, and that she has no point in this world. I guess bandwagons come like buses you miss one next fifteen another ones coming. Give me a break if you like someone delve into the person they are and what they stand for and if you like them fine, but don't just go around spewing nonsensical hate because you think its the cool thing to do this week... And actually on that same token why do you feel the need to emerse yourself so far into someones elses life that you loose you own identity. At least for Gaga its about being yourself not like everyone else even her... Please be yourself and you'll never be out of style...so to speak :)

New Look. . .

Ive been working on a new look for life so i decided to look for a new profile design. .. enjoy and keep reading lots of stuff to come.. .you know the summer always gets me thinking and writing :-)

He was always so sweet.

I was told a few weeks ago that I wasn't the same person that they remember being around last time that I saw them… wow I can believe that they could be soo perceptive. Yes Ive changed… I'm no the sweet person that I used to be at least not in the way that that person thinks. Ive become an optimistic realist. Yes I want to fuck someone in DC without the hopes of building a relationship…. Due to the fact that I live in NYC.... the world is not a fairy tale. I don’t think that that makes me a different person. I will still love and treat that person with all the human dignity that they deserve but why would I strain their lives when its not necessary.
I still dream of someone to hold me and just sit in our own aura…while the world just continues to move around us… but that’s has not happened and it just seems like the world doesn't want it for me right now… soo I don’t see the problem with a little causal sex….
IDK the world is still an adventure to me and I'm still dreaming of seeing someone with a smile and dating and loving someone but searching for a diamond in the rough lead people to go insane in our history… I need my sanity… I need to make it…

I'm Back Bitches… Oh Fuck You Too

Summer is creeping around the corner and im ready to write again its been coming to me all the time thoughts, feelings, and rants…. The next series of post tell the spring will be raw unedited stream of conscientiousness type of writing starting with this one.
Ahh fuck the world… I'm soo ready to just run away to some European country and work as a waiter. This whole deal of society and knowing people to work is just tiring on my soul. Im soo sick of wishing for my fairy tale and being constantly let down. But the realist in me knows that this is almost my fairy tale im living on my own starving and going out into fucking NYC to get coffee and lunch. Ive dropped everyone who is fake in my life and learned how to take or leave people as they come. Im so tired of sending emails and dialing number Ive paided my dues and deep down inside… I just want someone to call me. If im such a great person… if you luv me soo much why the hell haven’t I heard from you in 2 years… some people luv goes without saying but other. Really my number hasn't changed and never in our relationship did I act like I would’t appreciate a phone call or a fucking facebook message… IDK…. I don’t want to end up like a Sondheim musical… its hard to be an optimist in this world especially when I never seem to evolve past somebodies friend.

I know.... i KNOW...

Yeah a hell of alot of things have happened and i know you need the 411.... but time is not really on my side when i get a free minute i promis things will all be revealed...