All I Want For Christmas Is For You To Pick Up The Phone....

Lets Just Say He Got His Wish..... And It was truly amazing.....

RoofTops....

The stars were amazing and the night was freezing but it was one of the best things that ever could have happened to me.... I was back in New York and i was finally making my return trip to the far off and way and land of the Bronx.....
...I got to hang out with one of my favorite people from back home and chill at his place all we did was bar hop and chill with some friends but it wasnt til seriously late that we went onto the roof and watched the stars as we got lifted from the roof into the stars that we watched from it... we found ourselves just being and feeling amazing with just being....

..........We finally crashed but only after a seriously crazy and ghetto trip to the deli.. were for some reason they didnt even know what horseradish was... but whatever it was all cool in the end...

Lets Get Lifted Again....

Well 1/2 had flown the coup but I still need to catch up with a few of my friends so I decided to go chill with my best friend Mike... I got to see all of my frineds and all of my Holy Cross girls who are the best peoipel ever we chilled and got lifeted to the point of no return... it was amazing and that saying something for me...... We laughed until we cryed and thign went amazingly............... A night ill never forget...

Lets Get Lifted

These next two post are going to revolve around my Thanksgiving break and how i left my Family to go and chill with my adopted family. I spent a grand total of forever in Georgetown that night and my 1/2 was amazing because we just chilled and let the world be as it was. It also helped that it was extremely late at night or should i say early in the morning so we didn't have to deal with the overly pretentious and extremely rude people who usually deal in Georgetown....

But other than that we got to get lifted with another someone special, who we both thought had fallen of the deep end. But by some miracle everything went beautifully and things that were left unsaid were put to light for all we know there might be hope....
...... Anyway it ended with it just being us the street lights and each other... and as he got into a cab to go home the world just let me know that it was going to be okay.. we were going to "bigger and better things.. but we will always call DC our home"....
....Then he was gone and i was stuck in Georgetown and i live in MD... So a cab was preferable to walking/Metro... And i got the best old white man who took me across town for only 20 dollars..(Amazing)....
i slept through the sun and awoke to another long night ahead.

Insomnia

For about the hundreth time in the last two weeks i cant sleep... I was lauing in my bed for a good 5 hours wide awake for some reason my mind wouldnt settle and i kept haveing thoughts about everything and anything it was driving me crazy so i borrowed a ciggarete and went outside to smoke... and this came to me....





A spherical world
Containing nothing more than reflections and chemistry
Though through its short life acted upon by nothing more than gravity itself
It is his simple personification of emotion.

The rage that he never will never be able to express and the
Complex misunderstandings he can never fully grasp.
It just slowly falls into the nothingness at its end and somehow pulls with it
Pain and lose.

Though as if he was a phoenix at its death.
His emotions burn more brightly as it continues it burial procession
as its last requiem is sung
From his lips.

Then as if the cloud departed and the sun shone through for the first time
It falls and ends it so very far from where it began.
All contained in a single tear.

What The Fuck Is Wrong With People.........

I walk through my life just simply trying to be me and avoid the rest of the world because nobody truly wants to be inside of you no one actually cares what the fuck you are going through its the human condition and i fault no one on that.......
....................But why the fuck is it that some people have to fucking place you somewhere and leave you there because thats what you are supposed to be and why is it that people generalize and use phrases like "all of you have never" and " i know none of you have thought this before".\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Fuck You \\\\\\\\\\\\\\
I've been placed in fucking boxes my entire life.... look at me im a black kid who listens to rock snd imported music, who happens to feel sexual ambiguous and takes no preference, and who is now within an age group that people think doesn't care............... Dont fucking get it twisted i am nothing you've seen before and nothing like me will ever come after........... DO YOU UNDERSTAND????
I am different in more ways than one and you better understand that the way you think is wrong. i belong in no box but the one i put myself into...........

........................ So Fuck You .............................

This Always Happens............

I cant believe it, I've come so far from high school but its happening all over again.... I have this seemingly impossible ability to find friends that are really amazing........... but that seem to get me stuck... I feel like I'm trapped with them......... And it took three years of high school to escape last time that cant happen again........( 1/2 i need another you )...............

.......................................I can drink with the best of them and smoke just like everyone else but somehow i can never find those kinda people.... I love to be the ground, the medium for seemingly extreme people that's when i have the most fun... And its not that i want to do those things everyday but i would love people who do.... so they can organize them and i can drop by if need be...........

I'll find them cause i know there out there

Smoke Rings Around My Life

Things have been amazing...........I really cant complain about my life or even my situation..........


............Just recently some of my friends and i took off and went to do Hookah... Which was really amazing because alot of the people i was with had never done its before. So showing them how to drag and do smoke tricks was cool. Plus one of the coolest guys I've ever met was kinda our guide... He's this Greek guy.

............But the world is still a hot mess and I'm having the hardest TIME FINDING A little bit of intimacy up here in NYC.... So i going to employ an old friends to add to my new life up here....... Wish Me luck...........

Sex And The City

Dreams are hopeless aspiration, Believe in your self the rest is up to me and u....


...I will have my moment and I will find what i came here for, this city has that power... I will be forgiven and moved to a higher level... I'm going to find the u and me......

A little Bit if The Past

A little bit of the past to help me look toward the futre.............

Enjoy: http://www.justinfatica.net/blog/

I'm Really Confused..........

I'm here...........i made it to the point in my life where everything has come together there isn't any kind of bullshit there is no presupposed meaning to the way i act its just me. So why am i so lost why do i feel that something is missing how can it be that this nirvana has its draw backs..............

..................... i really dont even know how to articulate the meaning behind this post because i wanted to inform u about how amazing things are but, i just suddenly got this feeling and i dont know, but in general things are good and who knows there might be something beautiful in the future............

Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I moved into my dorm room today and i went through hell to get to it so it better be amazing...........we shall see......
Anyway we all know all good things in life are worth fighting for so w will see how things work out............To Be Continued

So You Got To Welcome Angels.....

Hey people my day sucked, but its okay cause I went home and played "Raindrops from the Sun" Imani Coppola......... and everything was okay cause i realized that the Angels are in my life..I just have to look..........
...............Even if i dont make any sense thats okay......................


Enjoy: http://www.last.fm/music/Imani+Coppola/+video s/+1-8dK23ouFw8M.

They bring them up better New York

With the glaring exceptions of a few people.................the friends i made in New York are leaps and bounds better than anything that our Metropolitan Area could ever offer...I think it might even have been that the Bull Shit that was high school didn't show up in New York but whatever it was i think i need more of it......

I Just Wanted The Room To Stop Spinning...

I wanted to sleep but the world had different plans...
Every time I closed my eyes to seek peace to escape the world the room would spin and careen out of control and since I couldn't sleep with my eyes open well we had a problem.....

How do i escape when the very world itself whats me to participate why is it when you feel that you need peace the actions of your past always keep you awake.... why is the world so funny? Why is it that it can show you this beautiful thing with insurmountable and unequivocal potential and then tell you that you cant have it..........
....................Why is it that sometimes you really do think that God is a little kid with a magnifying glass and all you can do is watch him burn your legs off just so he can see you crawl...........

All i really wanted was the world to stop spinning so i could sleep and start all over again with something new because each day is exposed to bring a new dawn of hope ( hahahaha ) these are thing i use to live by but now I'm scared that i don't really believe in them anymore............

Smiles and Smoke...

I really don't know but when ever I'm on the Metro I try to smile at people because I think that you could be having the worst day and if somebody smiles at you things just might get that much better... And like a stated earlier in this blog smiles are a lot of times fake or merely a defense mechanism but damn people a fucking smile could make the difference in somebodies life...

... I was having a fucking horribly day and was on the Metro for what seemed like hours and not one person cared to smile or even smirk... which sucked... So i got off the Metro and walked to a 7 Eleven and bought a pack of fucking Newports 100's and walked around Capitol Hill til about five them were gone... and this was the first time a had smoked in months and it felt so good and i felt so much better that I smiled all the way home.

Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence,
I just got finish watching the Notebook.....so bare with me but, It scared me and i know this tends to be a reoccurring them in this blog but it happens to me more than I'd like to mention. This movie just made me think about how much i want someone to love , how i wake up every morning and my skin yearns for the touch a somebody and how my heart overflows with this passion...but with no one to give it to it turns bitter. And people don't get twisted I'm not a hormone driver teenager looking for someone to fuck. I want someone that when i call them at three in the morning they don't ask me why am i calling them............they tell me what took me so long.......fuck physically its a lesser emotion ........( and yes i want this too, but i can live without it)....And i know sex is fun it should be but love is immortal it transcends time and all other pains..............fuck i know this is cheesy but what am i to do .......... i really want to be like those girls in the movies and have a boy be so in love with me it makes him drop to his knees...........................but we all know life isn't a movie and if you spend it looking for one ...........you'll see the world from your window admiring what beauty you could have had...................yes i love him yes a care but in this world that means nothing.
Your Dear Friend,

Private Party #1

I had a Private Party a few days ago...........(oh just as a side note I'll try to write more regularly)..........away it was just Me, My Angels, And my Computer and I was thinking about stuff because recently boredom leads to deep thought with me....it also leads to late nights too but that's a different story.. Anyway I'm lying awake and thinking about how everyone in the world has had a moment that they have felt completely alone or like their world is just in utter disarray.....but if everyone in the world has had this feeling then why should we feel alone. Somewhere out their somebody else is going through what your going through so suck it up and move.....
..........Don't get me wrong I'm all for being with your pain and listening to sad music but there will come a day when you just need to get the hell out of your house and do something. If you cant live for yourself than who can you live for......Put on your I-pod and take a walk..get on the Metro....or go see a movie just be you...............And trust me i kn ow its never as easy as it sounds but the day i learned to do it i was infinitely happier................
.........btw because I'll be writing more often my entries might not be as profound.

The Only Thing Thats Constant In Life..Is Change

I think I'll start this with a story....

...There is an old Greek legend...it starts around the time humans first received fire from the gods, because of this Zeus becomes jealous and as a punishment to all of humanity he splits our souls in two and scatters them around the earth...so that we would continual walk around incomplete searching for our...soul mate....

I only say this because last year i found mine and recently he left me. Through not fault of his own it was just how life works nothing can ever become fixed or dare i say normal..it must change and remain dynamic no matter how hard it is on the people that are living.... But I'm not bitter because life seems to come and uproot everything when you just become accustom to it. It keeps thing fresh and allows people to reinvent themselves....and i use to envy people who had it simple and constant but I almost pity them because if it wasn't for the life that I've had i really don't know what kind of person i would be today.......
BTW...
...sorry this took so long to come and 1/2 i miss you.

Fireflies

I just watched this amazing movie called "Grave of the fireflies"...and it brought me to tears like nothing has done in months...and yes i do cry over some movies...i cried when Angel died and when Briony published Atonement...but this story moved me on levels that none of them could........
.................It pulled on one of my primal fears loss. And it definitely made me remember that all of the people i know only a handful of them I can truly call friends people that no matter what would be there for me and help me no matter what. In my own delusional world every "friend" of mine should be like this but reality sets in and I realize the world doesn't work that way. And that even that handful have their own lives to lead and adventures to go on. This world really isn't the fairytale they promise children in bed time stories...the good don't always win and the people never live happily ever ever........
.........................But you know what came out of all of this I learned that some days you have to put your i-pod on and sing the lyrics to yourself and walk without anybody to cover your back......i learned that's the way life is going to be......and even if the people i care about are their some of the time ....part of growing up is learning how to deal with life when they're not.

Why are people so stupid?.....And Alicia Keys Answer!

This took awhile to write sorry its so long.....
........I've come to realize that most people i the world are incredible stupid and completely incapable of getting it....and yes i am using the eternal paradox of "it"...but to paraphrase a friend of mine why are even the cool intellectual types incapable of understanding the most simple concepts....

...I don't understand why people can't just understand that I'm going to be me and do whatever and whomever i want and at the end of the day come home and still be me....I think it scares people to death when people develop this incredibly powerful thing called an original thought...and trust me that i really don't want to condemn anything but come on....why is it that people who are so OK with themselves they don't need society to support or define them are ironically the ones that crave it the most??..

One of friends is gay and he said he hated the whole coming out scenario...(not that he is speaking anybody else who took that route,because he respects your choice).. but he said other people don't walk around and sit their friends down and say " Johnny boy I have something to tell you I'm straight" so he doesn't need anybody to validate what he is.......



..............This was really bothering me but i was deciding to let it go until i went to see the Amazing Alicia Keys in concert and to hear her sing and just to hear her lyrics speak on a profound level above there original meaning meant something to me...she song everything but songs similar to "Like You'll Never See Me Again" got me thinking that life is to short to just worry about everyone else and there inability to accept the world. "The present is a gift" and I think I'm going to start accepting it..........
......So I think I'll end on this their is a quote from this horrible movie" The Interpreter"...but it says the the Human voice can be hear above anything..its the one sound that carries and resonates regardless of circumstances..even a whisper.
I think we need to start listening..because the really human voice isn't on the TV or radio, but its out their.

City Lights

I'm sitting here next to some of my favorite friends and about to sleep with a really cool guy....(not what you think)..but after the day I've had with them its a very fitting end. We sat and talked about life and the fact that we really hated high school and its affect on all of us. How we can't find things that really make us happy and all i could think of was....i lost so much of myself to that school

yes it helped shape the person i became and by some twist of fate i came out better but, i really think that i gave more of myself to it than it gave back to me.

Good Morning

...I had a thought last night about how the world really works...(profound right). It revolved around the use of a smile in modern society and how most of the time a smile isn't because your happy or overflowing with joy...no...

...a smile is sometimes the only thing you can do to keep the tear from pouring or the bile from the pit of your stomach from realizing that it whats out...its a colloquial way of saying fuck you...and that revelation was perfect for me because 80% of the time a smile is all i can do for sinking so deep into thought that ill never be able to return to my day-to-day life. Okay that's a little dramatic but just think about it and its common house hold uses.      

Now that...that is done.

I was seating at work.....and some lady walked in and ask if she could read my friends face. Apparently she was a psychic and she scared my friend to death... she told me that this lady was painfully specific. So I decided to go and see if this lady could pick out the to things that had been weighing on me...because though i have a strong affinity to the supernatural i tend not to believe in in so much.... so i sat down with her and after about five minutes i almost wanted to cry she picked out everything that had been going wrong in my life.....she scared me and it wasn't the Miss Cleo type of general stuff...it verged on feeling that i had been dealing with for for sometime......she spoke one how the person I'm kinda with isn't the love of my life and how she is leading me in the wrong direction........she told me exactly how I've been feeling confused and lost .....she scared me no one knows that part of me.

I had to go home and drown my sorrows in the only real constant in my life...music..

but i know this is depressing so i think that will end it here for today

My First

This is my first blog and i don't know where its headed or the direction that i intend to take it but its just a way of documenting my life and experience in my own way......