There Will Be Tears

I wanna cry

Sometime I just wanna sit in and cry

Rocking so that I can feel these things deep down inside.

Darkness

I wanna cry

Because I can’t burden you with these things that are burdening me

I wanna cry

Because these walls were built without my consent

To contain things that I didn’t want hide deep inside.

I wanna break these windows and shatter these walls

And feel pain so that you know I am hurting.

I wanna cry

Because the grass always looks greener on the other side but when you get there

Its acid yellow and burned to the ground.

I wanna cry

Because I wanna see his fucking face again

And hold him and let him know everything is alright

Because I am disconnected from the people who disconnected me from the disconnected world

I wanna cry

So that you can see these tears, why can’t you see these tears on my dry skin?

Why can you look and see these oceans welling in my eyes.

Comments Will Be Greatly Appreciated (And Bare In Mind Its A Rough Draft)... 

Occupy Your Time

Sooo here is what’s been going on... I feel like if I don’t tell someone I might go crazy. I have for the first time in my life been swamped at school and I’m working a part-time job, attempting to have a social life, and still trying to find time to walk around aimless and preserve my sanity and soul. That is a lofty way of saying that I’m stressed and a little lost right now in my life. I for the most part am just doing school and it seems like the more I try to get ahead the more I’m falling behind. I’m trying to take time and do work to get ahead, but the more time I spend time doing work the more tired I feel it’s like nothing is being accomplished. 

And yes I know that this is all a part of life and growing up (Insert some random saying about the struggles in life make it worth living). I actually had a friend today stop and say that they felt sorry for me because they had never seen me this stressed out about school...smh. Ontop of that money is tight but that nothing new it seems to be the rule not the exception in my life, so I’m not too worried I always seem to find away when I really need to :) The next thing that seems to build off of all this confusion is that I graduate next year and there are hundreds of things that I would like to do with my life and all of the revolve around me moving to NYC and I really don’t think that going to happen right away. I don’t want to be trapped anywhere other than here soo maybe (let me rephrase that maybe to a definitely) 

I’m going to figure out a way to move up here. My next issue kind of falls back to this summer and the SadnessinWaves post from earlier this year. I feel like I’m all talked out about the topic and that there is nothing that I can do to foster my mind growing past this event in my life. It just feels like time is the only thing that will help me move on, but time takes soo long to pass when you really want it to and in the time between point A and B I’m just incredibly sad. And I’m not saying I’ve dawned mascara, black eyeliner, and I’m only wearing black... cause I haven’t I’m just as cheery as ever and I have fun when its available. So I don’t know if sadness is the right word but this weight just needs to leave me. I actually woke up sobbing the other night, and I mean like deep breathes crying for no reason. It’s like something I must have buried is trying to come up. The thing is shit like this doesn’t happen to me.... IDK...

Occupy: Wall Street / DC

So this is a long time coming and ive done a lot of thinking about my position and the statement i wanna make about this occupy movement. This "fad" of occupy came around with the advent of several European countries using the occupation of public spaces to push change in their countries. The most influential movement could be the Occupancy movement  that resulted in the Revolution that occurred in Cairo, which resulted in the leader stepping down from power. This movement in the states is attempting to model themselves after these movement by occupying public spaces, to push for a radical, or should i just say some, change within our government. Our movement revolves around the way our government favors financial institutions. This movement has be active for several weeks now within NYC and has spread to various cities across the country.

With that being said let me start with the good that this movement has done. First this movement has mobilized thousands of people across the country to issues that a normal citizen might not be aware of in their busy day-to-day life. It once it began to receive media attention sparked a realization that the way we have been practicing business isn’t sustainable and is creating strife for the largest portions of the population. And finally it has begun to, with the media attention, draw larger more influential groups to attempt to make change in our financial institutions. (I.e. Unions, Politicians, Lobbyist Groups). The negative is that a lot of the progress that has been made in this short time isn’t a result of the people who are protesting. They had no clear demands at first and presented as a few unorganized force. They have begun to attract and allow people to support them whose goals have mostly nothing to do with the cause they are fighting for, but intern would like the media attention. They also have lost in a large number of ways creditability, and yes if you interview people there is a large possibility the person speaking doesn’t accurately represent the people in question. But with this movement it seems like the large majority has no clue what is going on and have become lost in  the act of "committing and action" (protesting) and not working towards the goal that is in place. 

Also in kind of a side note the people, are in a way complaining that they have lost control of these financial institutions (which I do believe need to be reign in and control Laissez-Faire style capitalism has brought nothing but problems in the last few years, and truthfully is not a good idea.) but they are now allowing others politicians to control the outcome of this movement, no organized message has been present on how to fix the issue most of the people just want it fixed. This mind set got us into the problems we are in now. 

But in the long run this movement is a good thing it has brought to light and foster discussion on a topic that needed to be addressed and changed, I just hope that the thousands of people who are participating in this movement now will also write letters, vote, and pressure our political systems to change instead of just hoping that somebody will fix it. Though the other day one of my best friends "B" said that I had some great points, but at the end of the day there are thousands of people marching in the streets and that has to stand for something. I believe he is right and I hope change for the better is on its way....

How Did We Let Things Get This Far, And Shouldn’t We As Citizens Take Some Of The Blame????

P.S.

The behavior of the NYPD has been crazy and extremely unprefessional updates to follows.

Occupy Your Mind

This is just a precursor to the next string of post that I’m writing... (I promise that i'll have two done before the weekend is over). I honor or mostly to have commentary on the occupy Wall Street movement that is currently happening in NYC (with subsequent movement in places like DC) I am creating an "Occupy Your Mind" series on my blog. Some of it will be about me; some of it will be about music, the political situation, what I have that's occupying my mind. Sooo I hope to hear from you guys soon... And What Do We Really Have Occupying Our Mind???  

.:Sadness In Waves:.

                               Soo I'm going to tell you this now, this will not be a long post. I just kinda needed to talk and see if i could get this off of my mind. I'v been through a few waves of sadness this summer. But the last wave was definitely the worst or at least the most challenging. I dealt with the wave when it crashed and I've been shaking it off. I thought that i was doing well til a few days ago. I was just finished packing my stuff up and i fell asleep in my bed. I had a crazy dream one i think ill go into detail about some other time. I woke up crying, literally i sat up with tears streaming down my face. This has never happened to me before, it was so wild. Soo now i understand that this particular wave of sadness isn't finished yet and im getting a little battered by the wave. I feel like it goes away and then come back a little stronger and darker. But i have have faith that things will get better... Right???


Winehouse On Repeat... Or At Least Winehouse Bring Me Peace...

You Always Remember Your "First's "

   Considering this summer has been full of Firsts for me i feel like this random thought should be immortalized in blog form. Some of these first have been good for me and others have been bad, but Ive come to realize that this is all a part of life... My thought is that your "First's" usually carry a lot of baggage because they emotionally are one sided. Your first Kiss, or the First person you've ever had sex with, you share a deeper connection with them than you will with the others even if you don't understand the

Random Fact: I Took This Photo In Amsterdam...

 gravity of it. The problem is that the person on the other side of this equation usually: A. doesn't know its your first time, and B. Don't share the connection you do to this moment. This leads to your first being bittersweet. I know my first kiss was cute and i was only 6 years old... But my first real kiss was awesome and emotional, and i never spoke to that person again its not my fault they moved away. The first person i had sex with i haven't spoken to since, but that might actually be a good thing :) Away I've had some amazing "First's" even if the only mattered to me, and that's the point i think I'm tryin to drag out of this stream of conscience, that you should cherish your first because they shape the person you are and potentially the person you become (they usually influence who your second is). Have "First's" experiences, luvs, kisses, sex... just be careful who they are with.

P.S.
Speaking of first i just found this guy (he's a first for me) so i think you should check him out Real HipHop :) Pete Phill  http://petephilly.com/#/music/movin_on/
  Mystery Repeats                    Mindstate

Why Radio Sucks ( Think About It )...

                                                                                                                                                          By the time you read this its going to be the 4th or 5th draft because i need to get all my thoughts organized... I was going do do this post after spending 12 hours in a car and going across several states listening to the radio. But no I'm super upset because the VMA's just did the most half ass tribute to Amy Winehouse. And if you didn't know she was one of my favorite artist of all time...
... So I did a run to NYC this weekend to drop off some stuff and i always drive so i was in a car for an extended amount of time. The radio was on constantly. Several of my favorite artist were blasting, a few of which I'm going to give shoot outs too because the world is a better place if more people had there stuff... Kelly Rowland, Adele, Katie Perry , And Lupe Fiasco.  The problem was that other than these people i might have heard 5 more artist. It became an endless cycle of singles from the same artist. Different stations and at times different states. How in the world of probability should this be possible. I luv music I search for it, look for it, and seek it out whenever i get the chance. Soo i have it on good authority that there are more than 10 artist in the world that we should be listen to on the radio. And i know radio is all tied up in sponsorship and funding nowadays but damn, whatever happen to a radio

station playing good music because it was good music... im jus saying... Then Tonight The VMA's came on, i didn't watch the whole thing mostly (though the trend has changed in the last 3 years or soo) because its all about limelight artist not musical artist. Case and Point allowing Lil Wayne's non singing ass to preform How To Love, which to tell you the truth if a real singer would sing over it and just have him rap would be an awesome song. But no he was up on stage struggling through the few bars of the chorus. But they've done a lot of things right like Florence And The Machines performance last year or Adele's stellar performance this year. Not to mention they let Jessie J sing as the house band all night (didn't luv the album, but the girl has an amazing voice/ id pay to see her live). Anyway they come to this Amy Winehouse tribute that clearly was not thought out, stumbled over, and was not fit for the amazing artist she was. Outside of the drama, cameras, and her mistakes. The woman drove record sales that made history and broke records, she created memorable videos, and did some of the best collaborations in her short career in the limelight. Frank, Back To Black, Not to mention the amazing B-sides and Remixes.

Random Fact: I Luv Prince 

Then I think to add insult to injury these MotherF*ckers (this the first time I've cursed on here in awhile) Let Bruno Mars singe Valerie which is one of my favorite Amy Winehouse songs. And i don't dislike Bruno Mars he does make some good music, in fact he falls into that group of the other ten artist i heard on the radio. But the fact remains he had not business singing an Amy Winehouse song. Worst decision is recent music history second only to BET in their wisdom allowing Trey Songs (another artist that i don't hate) to sing a cover of Purple Rain during a Prince tribute a few years ago... IDK what to do its the nature of the music industry that some people make it and some don't. That amazing artist sit and wait for their chance... people like Voli for example... and other people (I'm not going to name names make it to only burn out because they have no real talent just the ability to make Pop phenomena )...

No worries though there are good people collecting music, example you ask well i always promote good music soo no worries and DCtoBC always have the scope on good music... And I'm going to end with this You Don't Have To Like What I Say But Please Always Listen...

If A Tree Falls

Sooo a week or so ago i went out with a friend of mine, and saw this documentary called If A Tree Falls at one of my favorite movie spots on E Street. The basis of the movie was following a member of the E.L.F. (Earth Liberation Front) who is facing criminal charges for things he did for the group. It was a beautifully done movie because it clearly had an agenda, but it didn't force any its beliefs on you. Two things came up: first the guy who was being charged face being legally labeled as a Terrorist in America, and the second thing was the question of action...
... I think its crazy that we as a society could throw around that word soo easily. His actions even though they cause major damage too private property. Were planned and executed to completely avoid the lost of any life. Actually any actions that the E.L.F. have taken responsibility  for since their creation have never resulted in any lose of life. Personally i think that calling someone an Eco-Terrorist should warrant more. I think its all politics, the news didn't call the directors of "BP" Eco-Terrorist after they allowed the continued use of oil-rig that had failed inspections, and then resulted in the worst nature disaster in American history... Im just saying... Anyway secondly, action. I don't necessarily beleive in the way the E.L.F. goes about proving their point. But i do believe in what they are doing. Not enough powerful, educated people are fighting for the world we live in. People are so concerned about money how can we ever expect for things to change. (that line is paraphrased from one of my fav Rappers Wale ) My point is i know how it feels to see soo much evil and wrong going on in the world and feel like everything your doing is pointless, you have no affect, and that something drastic most be done so that people will listen. Long story short the movie just gave me more motivation to change the world... All I'm Saying Is That I Want A World To Leave To My Kids...

Reality Or Not...

Reality:
Intricate emotion
Like leaves in autumn
Clinging to life
Each knowing in its own brilliant way
They must fall to progress time.

Urges rippling from your core and settling on your words
Like dust on a priceless picture.
Each empty word adding weight to
My seemingly endless armor
Of rose petals and smoke.

I'm starting to edit this, but i feel like this is more and more relevant to my current life...

Updates and Altered Fates....

Sooooo, here is the post i promised... this is just a synopsis of this summer. I had an amazing time in Paris and then went out to Spain and a pretty awesome time there as well. I flew back to the states through thunderstorms and crazy connections. My family has been split up ( by choice ) sister has moved back into the city and ive moved with her... I worked super crazy hours this summer and did almost everything i wanted to do except im still broke, saving money has never been my strong suit....
                                                                             


..... The thing is i still had a blast, but this summer also came with great lost for me things that as loyal blog readers your going to hear a lot about. Mostly in spurts and burst over the next few months. I lost my big brother (biologically he was my older cousin) to a car accident earlier this summer. And then a little while after that i lost my job. Then on an excursion to escape the city, i foolishly fucked one of my best friends and haven't heard from them since... which in the back of my mind leads me to believe that we might never talk again... Then i think the world just to add insult to injury... my super recover system the person i turn to in my time of need dies... Amy Winehouse... Back to Black and Frank was my favorite recover aid... All and all this summer has been super random and unbelievable. Details will come about Paris and the other randomness my life has brought.... I Thought A Little Bit Of Random Was Good For Life???

Things Have Changed

Sooo this is just a quick post about, what has happened. Things are dramatically different in my life and i keep saying it though i don't know if people really understand me. But my life is Fundamentally different. We will see what this fall brings. But first i own all you guys updates from the craziness that was my summer... details to come, this time i mean it with the next 4 days ill have a new post... When Will The Change In Our World Change Us As People???

Protesting And Anarchy

Sooo it was my last 24 Hours in Rome and we decided to do what any red-blooded American would do... make a bucket list!!! We after packing decided to run around the city and do a whole bunch of things for the last time... The thing is I had to distinct groups of friends sooo I divided my time. One group had me most of the day (oh I forgot to mention that we had decided not to sleep that night) and the other had me for the entire night. We ran around to all of our favorite spots and eat food from places for the last time... We even venture to this amazing Gardens that over look most of Rome... And created a treasure map for some items we were going to leave behind.... It was a blast and very soul fulfilling... we popped bottles of champagne and I n all the madness discovered a hidden park so that the friends we left behind would have a place to chill and think

of us... But I’m sure you’re wondering why this post is called "Protesting And Anarchy", well most of the people and I actually mean 95% of them all went out to clubs Bars etc... which was really interesting to see those same people hung-the-fuck-over the next day on the hour bus ride to the airport.... The thing is we did us and it was truly amazing. Bye Bye Rome... the first major city on this extremely long and ridiculous journey that I’m on... I threw my coins into the fountain... Will We Ever Meet Again???

Beach And A Bottle

Well world my time in Rome has quickly come to an end as well as my amount of money in my pocket... sooo I started to think of things to do on the cheap side. My friend suggested us going to the beach for a day trip. We get up at what I would call an ungodly hour, just so you know that means that it was really like 9:30, and hop onto a train that is an hour outside of Rome. We get there and it’s nothing more than a simple little beach town, but it could have been Shangri-La.

We setup our blankets and settled into the sand. The wine started flowing and we pulled out our sweatshirts. It was a beautiful day but you know it also February in Rome so we expected nothing less. The day just went along as if time didn’t exist. We played the drums and my friend jammed out on the guitar, for a little while. It really made me enjoy just settling into being me laid back feet into the sand and cigarette in hand....

...I think that it reminded me that yes I'am only going to be in Europe for a small amount of time but that doesn't mean that I need to be running around Europe trying to see every bit of it. Enjoy the small things... remember the small things. Anyway the sun starts to set and we realize that it is now freezing because without the sun this really is winter. So we go on a drift wood finding mission... small groups break off and we all come back with hands full of an assortment of dried wood and not sooo dried wood. The point is we got the fire going and it was a soul fulfilling and very caveman-ish experience we created fire... but just as all good things do... it came to a end... And the city lights of Rome hit us like a ton of bricks, but if I could do it again I would (side note btw we did)... Why Do We Forget The Small Things Sometimes???

In The Search For Food Pt. 2

Sooooo the search for food continues... this time it was me and one of my girlfriends and we head out to this restaurant. Where you can get a full meal for 10 euro... Some wine, a main dish, and a side order. We weren’t really hungry and it was a great deal. So we arrive and the restaurant is completely empty as if they were about to close, but I asked if they were open and the waiter ushered us to seats. We then informed him of the deal that they were having and he consented to taking our order.

He then offered this appetizer, which we thought can with the meal so we both consented. The wine starting flowing and our food starting coming out. The first thing was extremely similar to bruschetta. Both there was also an extremely cool assortment of olives and smoked meat.... our main dishes came out and the wine continued to be poured. So we are talking and he is continually coming over and asking us about Brush and Obama and making slightly racist jokes about how I would support Obama because I’m Black and my friend because she is White would support Bush it was something special to say the least.

And I starting noticing that every time the waiter came back that he was slowly takings articles of clothes off. First it was his tie then, his vest, and then his shirt was unbuttoned. I was realizing that the restaurant was closed but he had served us so it was his fault. Anyway after salting the potatoes (which I have learn in this country they really don’t believe in

external seasonings) he came back over and asked us if we wanted Tiramisu, we contemplated this and decided that we had only spent ten dollars so why not add dessert. This waiter then came back and continued to make jokes, though the topic changed to

Italian politics involving how their president was the king of Viagra and how he had more mistresses than anybody else. He then brought out the Tiramisu which after the first bite we realized was

covered in a few shots of Rum. This is clearly the desperate act of a

crazy man who was trying to get me and my friend drunk. So we finally get the bill types and happy... guess what it was... I can sure as hell tell you that it was not 10 euro it was about 52 euro. It turns out that the appetizer and the dessert were about 8 dollars apiece. So we muster

up the money to pay the bill and the guy takes the money, we expect change back because we paid about 6 euro over what was due... we wait and then continue to wait and have this ask this crazy ass guy for our change. I couldn’t believe it you don’t tip in this country and really in all of Italy so that fact the he tried to pocket that money pissed me off... but then even crazier is the fact that when he brought us change back it was about 4 Euro more than we actually needed sooo.... we left him a 2 euro tip and left with the extra money all in all an awesome night right??? Why Do I Think God Has A Really Awesome Sense Of Humor???