Fireflies

I just watched this amazing movie called "Grave of the fireflies"...and it brought me to tears like nothing has done in months...and yes i do cry over some movies...i cried when Angel died and when Briony published Atonement...but this story moved me on levels that none of them could........
.................It pulled on one of my primal fears loss. And it definitely made me remember that all of the people i know only a handful of them I can truly call friends people that no matter what would be there for me and help me no matter what. In my own delusional world every "friend" of mine should be like this but reality sets in and I realize the world doesn't work that way. And that even that handful have their own lives to lead and adventures to go on. This world really isn't the fairytale they promise children in bed time stories...the good don't always win and the people never live happily ever ever........
.........................But you know what came out of all of this I learned that some days you have to put your i-pod on and sing the lyrics to yourself and walk without anybody to cover your back......i learned that's the way life is going to be......and even if the people i care about are their some of the time ....part of growing up is learning how to deal with life when they're not.

Why are people so stupid?.....And Alicia Keys Answer!

This took awhile to write sorry its so long.....
........I've come to realize that most people i the world are incredible stupid and completely incapable of getting it....and yes i am using the eternal paradox of "it"...but to paraphrase a friend of mine why are even the cool intellectual types incapable of understanding the most simple concepts....

...I don't understand why people can't just understand that I'm going to be me and do whatever and whomever i want and at the end of the day come home and still be me....I think it scares people to death when people develop this incredibly powerful thing called an original thought...and trust me that i really don't want to condemn anything but come on....why is it that people who are so OK with themselves they don't need society to support or define them are ironically the ones that crave it the most??..

One of friends is gay and he said he hated the whole coming out scenario...(not that he is speaking anybody else who took that route,because he respects your choice).. but he said other people don't walk around and sit their friends down and say " Johnny boy I have something to tell you I'm straight" so he doesn't need anybody to validate what he is.......



..............This was really bothering me but i was deciding to let it go until i went to see the Amazing Alicia Keys in concert and to hear her sing and just to hear her lyrics speak on a profound level above there original meaning meant something to me...she song everything but songs similar to "Like You'll Never See Me Again" got me thinking that life is to short to just worry about everyone else and there inability to accept the world. "The present is a gift" and I think I'm going to start accepting it..........
......So I think I'll end on this their is a quote from this horrible movie" The Interpreter"...but it says the the Human voice can be hear above anything..its the one sound that carries and resonates regardless of circumstances..even a whisper.
I think we need to start listening..because the really human voice isn't on the TV or radio, but its out their.

City Lights

I'm sitting here next to some of my favorite friends and about to sleep with a really cool guy....(not what you think)..but after the day I've had with them its a very fitting end. We sat and talked about life and the fact that we really hated high school and its affect on all of us. How we can't find things that really make us happy and all i could think of was....i lost so much of myself to that school

yes it helped shape the person i became and by some twist of fate i came out better but, i really think that i gave more of myself to it than it gave back to me.

Good Morning

...I had a thought last night about how the world really works...(profound right). It revolved around the use of a smile in modern society and how most of the time a smile isn't because your happy or overflowing with joy...no...

...a smile is sometimes the only thing you can do to keep the tear from pouring or the bile from the pit of your stomach from realizing that it whats out...its a colloquial way of saying fuck you...and that revelation was perfect for me because 80% of the time a smile is all i can do for sinking so deep into thought that ill never be able to return to my day-to-day life. Okay that's a little dramatic but just think about it and its common house hold uses.      

Now that...that is done.

I was seating at work.....and some lady walked in and ask if she could read my friends face. Apparently she was a psychic and she scared my friend to death... she told me that this lady was painfully specific. So I decided to go and see if this lady could pick out the to things that had been weighing on me...because though i have a strong affinity to the supernatural i tend not to believe in in so much.... so i sat down with her and after about five minutes i almost wanted to cry she picked out everything that had been going wrong in my life.....she scared me and it wasn't the Miss Cleo type of general stuff...it verged on feeling that i had been dealing with for for sometime......she spoke one how the person I'm kinda with isn't the love of my life and how she is leading me in the wrong direction........she told me exactly how I've been feeling confused and lost .....she scared me no one knows that part of me.

I had to go home and drown my sorrows in the only real constant in my life...music..

but i know this is depressing so i think that will end it here for today

My First

This is my first blog and i don't know where its headed or the direction that i intend to take it but its just a way of documenting my life and experience in my own way......